Mis-titled Newsheadline!

Wherein Public Hooting is Finally Exercised! (Yes!)

Hi-5 Slammed Over Sexy Photos!

This is the headline I was greeted with this morning in the colonies.

Greetings Fetishists and Bibliophiles!

I own a Yahoo email address, and yes, as I am from 'the colonies' that means I have Rupert Murdoch spewing forth his personal opinions regarding what tabloid journalism passes for 'the news' these days.

But every so often a new report passes my observation where I feel that the reporter was so completely off the mark that it needs to be rewritten. For example. This above mentioned article, that is all about how shameful Kellie Crawford's photos, featuring in a soft-core porn mag (can it even truly be called porn?) are. Because, according to Melinda Tankard Reist (who is left and is looking like someone has placed something unpleasant up her bottom and can I just say possesses the most perfect name for a bondage-mistress) who is a Women's Forum Australia spokesperson, Kellie Crawford's photos are inappropriate due to her previous position as a member of the famously tawdry Hi-5 childrens show. Apparently, Kellie's god given right to pose for a somewhat blue magazine is offensive due to the "... abuse of her position with tens of thousands of little girls looking up to her." The photo shoot is also, according to Julia Gale of the Kids Free 2B Kids (right looking particularly compromised in her views), psychologically damaging with older girls. "They are damaged and harmed by messages that they need to sexualise yourself."

So that is how the story runs on Yahoo 7. But I feel this is an inaccurate portrayal of the actual events. I feel that the story should have run something along these lines:

Talentless Bint Uses Boobs To Cash In on Fast Fading Fame Whilst Accidentally Pointing Out How Hi-5 is Soft-Core Porn for Adults!

Kellie Crawford sent shock waves through the entertainment industry by posing for some sexually positive photographs a whole year after she had left her job as presenter, dancer and secret wet-dream to fathers in the Hi-5 children's show.

Dried up sexless husks of women, Melinda (Sherman) Tankard Reist and Julia (I cry when I'm alone because my life has no meaning) Gale, weighed in on the topic despite the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. -Thus going to show that nothing can keep a nosy post-menopausal woman out of other people's business, especially if it involves people having fun in a healthy body-positive way.

But the real point of contention is not with women's groups (who are humourless and therefore ought to be ignored at all costs), but with the TV executives who were completely at a loss with these recent developments.

"Our shows, cater to the needs of the under ten market by providing singing and dancing and sock puppets. Meanwhile, we have always endeavoured to provide the parents of the children with soft-core porn to divert their minds from the mind-numbing tedium of our shows. Seriously, did you think we hired these talentless hacks because of their skills? No! We want mummy and daddy to zone out and have a little cerebral 'me-time' while the buxom blonde and toy-boy jock prance around on stage keeping juniour entertained. What I object to is how Kellie has gone and ratted us out. What was implied sexuality has just become overt. How will we sneak in a bit of erotic eye-candy for the parents with those lemon-sucking praying mantis types reviewing everything? Thanks a lot Kellie! You just let the cat out of the bag!"

"Au Contraire" said a spokesperson for Ralph magazine, "but next month however..."

Don't you wish I wrote for the papers?

And now, if everyone could join with me to give Ms Reist and Gale a public hooting.

HOOT!

The actual report can be viewed at: http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/entertainment/5509148/hi5-star-slammed-sexy-photos

Hi-5, Kellie Crawford, Ralph Magazine, Children's Entertainment, Sex, Sexuality, Kids Free 2B Kids, Women's Forum, Suxulaity in Childrens TV, Ralph Magazine, Pornography, Porn, Lingerie, TV, Media Watch,