Get Yurted!

Wherein a lengthy rant bemoaning our consumerist hedonism as a culture is unleashed.

Salutations Conservationists and Activists!

I feel compelled to rant today.

You see, I am considering my options in life at the moment. I have half a year until my landlord comes back from Europe and will once again require his residence. That means I must find a suitable abode. And so I search for a pleasant house in which to live.

(Caption reads: "Natural Hues:
Colour was selected to
complement the surrounds" WTF?
Apparently the 'surrounds' was
Tweety Birds pent-house. )

But as I am in teaching as a profession, that puts me in the lowest wage bracket of any professional industry, other than nursing. (Apparently, equipping the future generations with the faculties to survive some of the disastrous consequences they will inherent in the world from their parents rates a little bit lower than shooting bushpigs, and a little higher than alleviating the sick and wounded's pain.)

Now, it turns out that paying a mortgage on a land is actually cheaper than renting in our current housing crisis location. But if I were to go to a bank and ask for a loan in order to buy a house, the bank, looking at my current wage, would give me just enough to be able to buy... nothing in all of Sydney.

That's right, on a professional wage I would not be able to afford a weatherboard shitbox out in the wastelands of Western Sydney. But that's o.k. I'm not a greedy person, renting a flat would be enough. But oh, renting a flat is an extremely trendy affair in Sydney. Flats, apartments and town housing takes place very rarely in the cheaper outskirts of the city which means that to rent a flat one must look in the centre of the city in the more fashionable suburbs, making it even more expensive than renting an entire house.

In short, renting a house or a flat would cost me not 30% of my impoverished teacher's income in Sydney, but a whopping 60%. And people wonder why all the Sydney-siders are evacuating. Because living there is financially impossible on a modest wage!

But luckily for me, I (having evacuated said city for above mentioned reasons) have found myself in a state where buying land is cheaper than renting. But how can I possibly afford to pay for land and a house?

May I introduce to you the concept of the like-minded collective. The concept of intentional communities and the concept of eco-villages. We'll get to the yurts later...

Basically, the idea of the nuclear family is a completely detrimental to our entire way of life. It is an energy and resource bandit, is detrimental to our social networks, is completely isolating and causes nothing but suburban planning nightmares in the outskirts of cities. And did I mention the enormous hole it scorches in your back pocket? Seriously, why do we as a culture persist with such a ridiculously unhealthy and unsustainable model of living? We've only had whole millenia experiencing life in communities! Surely that has to count for something as opposed to this post 1950's phenomenon.

So I intend to buy some land. I intend to buy some land with other people because when it comes to buying stuff two wallets are better than one. I also intend to buy some land with the intention of building a house that is environmentally friendly and requires very little in terms of the initial resources. And then, once again, I have encountered another stumbling block.

May I pause briefly to introduce you to some of the most stunning little eco-friendly cottages I've ever laid eyes on. They are houses built by the Lammas project. Basically eco-community builders for hire. And oh, aren't they pretty! This picture is of Simon Dale's low impact woodland house, and I think everyone should want to live in it! His directions for making this house involves this very complex description (and remember, Simon Dale is not a builder, he is just someone who passionately wanted to build a low impact low resource house and so did it himself in the UK):

Lift logs, prop up, nail together and continue until no longer wobbly.

Yep, that's a structure I think even I could do. And, AND it's fantastic to behold! So it's all systems go on looking into building my own low-impact housing.

However! (enter rant mode)

Local councils in this god forsaken colony have some of the most stringent housing laws in the western world. I think perhaps its a historical thing. It's difficult for councils in the UK to uphold strict housing laws when there are houses built over a thousand years ago using methods clearly in contradiction to such laws that insist on being safe and sturdy. They stand there being somewhat of a silent finger against any move to police how one can and cannot build a house! So there is a fabulous legal loophole in Britain which is: If your house can safely house people for four years without falling down, even if it was built without any permits, it can stay! The same leniency goes for America (of course their buildings are less than a thousand years old) and I believe, Europe.

But not so Australia, the majority of our buildings are post or contemporaneous with the Industrial era, and as a result our housing laws reflect an industrial and inherently consumerist culture. Basically, approaching said council with a plan to find some logs that are floating around and nail them together until they're no longer 'wobbly' while a perfectly acceptable practice in most cultures for hundreds of years, is unacceptable here. A plan must be created, which means all materials must be collected prior to the occasion, which goes completely against the whole organic nature of the enterprise in the first place. And if the councils laws are not followed, then the council can insist that you tear your house down, even if you have been living in it with great safety for the last ten years or more.

So what is an environmentally minded personage with a deep sense of righteous anger meant to do?

Enter, -the Yurt.

A Yurt (or if you're in Mongolia: a Ger) is a temporary shelter which is roughly the size of a small house. It can be packed down onto the back of a ute and costs anywhere between 1000 dollars to 30,000! They have been used in the Alps, and the Himalayas and of course the frozen tundra of Siberia for hundreds of years. They are large, comfortable and warm. This one here is quite small in comparison, but it illustrates the general rounded glory and comparitive warmth and cosiness considering the large snow drift outside!

But yurts are not always such modest affairs. Take for instance barefootboy and his yurt project.:

This is basically a panoramic view inside of a yurt consisting of several stitched together photos to give you almost the entire 360 degree view. (but not complete, as there is a door somewhere and a kitchen as well.) So we can see that they are cheap, that they are low on resources and they can be as luxurious (and trust me they can become very luxurious see right) or as ascetic as one wishes.

BUT!

The most important thing. The most wonderfully joyful thing for my anarchistically minded little heart is that, as a temporary structure, I don't have to tell the council anything! It is exactly the same as if your children were to pitch a tent in their backyard. Tents, don't require permits. They are temporary! No fees, no bureaucracy, no having to pay builders with half my education and twice my salary (jealous much?) I can buy land. And in four hours, I have a house that is able to withstand a Siberian climate.

And if I have some like minded friends who have helped buy land we can construct a veritable yurt village without having to consult anyone! This is of course exactly what they have done here in Switzerland.

And why shouldn't we be allowed to do this?

I am, after all paying a large amount of money to live on this land, I should be allowed to build a structure any way I wish to, like I have the right to in both America, and the UK and I would suspect a large tract of Europe as well.

My next question is: Why isn't everyone doing this???

Which brings me to my next point. Having discovered such glorious ideas I then marched off, full of enthusiasm to the 'Sustainability Expo.' Ready to have my inspiration flooded with new scientific advances and creative ways to use less resources.

Alas, this was not the case.

While there was a large amount of very admirable causes and products all designed to help reduce carbon emissions etc. The general intention behind the expo was to convince people to buy products. Special paint to reduce gas emissions, special solar hot water systems, special brands of eco-friendly beer, special blinds, double glazed windows and etc and etc.

There was one, ONE exhibit that was all about providing information that would empower an Eco-conscious person in re-using their own materials, or creatively finding ways to live that would have less impact on the environment.

There was indeed a Mongolian Ger at the expo. It was wonderful to go inside and experience such a fabulous structure first hand, but what was really concerning about our culture, was that the Ger, -this housing wonder from Mongolia, was not being sold as a solution to our current housing crisis or financial recession, no no, this Ger, was being rented out as a pavilion for weddings and functions and parties. Apparently our fat middle-class, over-indulged, over-privileged arses will not deign use this centuries old perfectly suitable form of housing. As a novelty form of hosting exorbitant parties, that's fine, but to actually live in, no, I'm afraid our great white civilised egos simply will not consent to the indignity of living in a glorified tent.

For a sustainability expo, there was a large emphasis on things one could buy, and very little in regards to how to live more simply. But then, there's less money in living simply, isn't there? The ultimate example for me was the copy of 'The Green Pages' I received. Now, the Green Pages, for the uninitiated is very much like a phone directory of eco-friendly businesses. And I was excited when I received it, because it was twice as large as the edition I received two years ago.

However on flicking through the production I began to feel, more than a little bitter. There was something extraordinarily designer and elitist about the whole affair, something that completely went against the entire environmentally friendly philosophy at all.

For instance, the actual directory was the same size, but the magazine was now twice it's size (using more paper, ironically) in order to write such devastatingly important and crucial articles as: Who is the Brightest Green Stars? (Just so you know, it's Brad Pit, and Natalie Portman, urgh, how tawdry!) and Designer Homeware featuring such important items as a "Recycled Cardboard Magazine Rack". (Because all budding environmentalists need a place to stash their copious amounts of tabloid paper wasting items of gossip mongering) . But my ultimate favourite was the eco-friendly 'Marri Gold Dress' looking like something worn by Kiera Knightly on a desert island in Pirates of the Caribbean (tattered hems and all) worth a paltry $890!

Just to repeat for effect. This dress in the magazine, probably costs almost as much as what I'm considering spending on a house. WTF???!!!

And so, with that rant over I will sign off, thinking once again, that for a movement to become successful, companies must learn to exploit it to consumerist interests. Me on the other hand, I intend to live happily in a yurt giving as little money to outside interests as is humanly possible. -Just like barefootboy. And doesn't he look happy?


yurt, ger, mongolia, siberia, environmnet, eco-friendly, consumerism, eco-chic, alternative housing, living simply, green pages, the sustainability expo, the Lammas Project, Earthships, anarchism, local council, beauracracy

Mis-titled Newsheadline!

Wherein Public Hooting is Finally Exercised! (Yes!)

Hi-5 Slammed Over Sexy Photos!

This is the headline I was greeted with this morning in the colonies.

Greetings Fetishists and Bibliophiles!

I own a Yahoo email address, and yes, as I am from 'the colonies' that means I have Rupert Murdoch spewing forth his personal opinions regarding what tabloid journalism passes for 'the news' these days.

But every so often a new report passes my observation where I feel that the reporter was so completely off the mark that it needs to be rewritten. For example. This above mentioned article, that is all about how shameful Kellie Crawford's photos, featuring in a soft-core porn mag (can it even truly be called porn?) are. Because, according to Melinda Tankard Reist (who is left and is looking like someone has placed something unpleasant up her bottom and can I just say possesses the most perfect name for a bondage-mistress) who is a Women's Forum Australia spokesperson, Kellie Crawford's photos are inappropriate due to her previous position as a member of the famously tawdry Hi-5 childrens show. Apparently, Kellie's god given right to pose for a somewhat blue magazine is offensive due to the "... abuse of her position with tens of thousands of little girls looking up to her." The photo shoot is also, according to Julia Gale of the Kids Free 2B Kids (right looking particularly compromised in her views), psychologically damaging with older girls. "They are damaged and harmed by messages that they need to sexualise yourself."

So that is how the story runs on Yahoo 7. But I feel this is an inaccurate portrayal of the actual events. I feel that the story should have run something along these lines:

Talentless Bint Uses Boobs To Cash In on Fast Fading Fame Whilst Accidentally Pointing Out How Hi-5 is Soft-Core Porn for Adults!

Kellie Crawford sent shock waves through the entertainment industry by posing for some sexually positive photographs a whole year after she had left her job as presenter, dancer and secret wet-dream to fathers in the Hi-5 children's show.

Dried up sexless husks of women, Melinda (Sherman) Tankard Reist and Julia (I cry when I'm alone because my life has no meaning) Gale, weighed in on the topic despite the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. -Thus going to show that nothing can keep a nosy post-menopausal woman out of other people's business, especially if it involves people having fun in a healthy body-positive way.

But the real point of contention is not with women's groups (who are humourless and therefore ought to be ignored at all costs), but with the TV executives who were completely at a loss with these recent developments.

"Our shows, cater to the needs of the under ten market by providing singing and dancing and sock puppets. Meanwhile, we have always endeavoured to provide the parents of the children with soft-core porn to divert their minds from the mind-numbing tedium of our shows. Seriously, did you think we hired these talentless hacks because of their skills? No! We want mummy and daddy to zone out and have a little cerebral 'me-time' while the buxom blonde and toy-boy jock prance around on stage keeping juniour entertained. What I object to is how Kellie has gone and ratted us out. What was implied sexuality has just become overt. How will we sneak in a bit of erotic eye-candy for the parents with those lemon-sucking praying mantis types reviewing everything? Thanks a lot Kellie! You just let the cat out of the bag!"

"Au Contraire" said a spokesperson for Ralph magazine, "but next month however..."

Don't you wish I wrote for the papers?

And now, if everyone could join with me to give Ms Reist and Gale a public hooting.

HOOT!

The actual report can be viewed at: http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/entertainment/5509148/hi5-star-slammed-sexy-photos

Hi-5, Kellie Crawford, Ralph Magazine, Children's Entertainment, Sex, Sexuality, Kids Free 2B Kids, Women's Forum, Suxulaity in Childrens TV, Ralph Magazine, Pornography, Porn, Lingerie, TV, Media Watch,

Centraal Station Antwerpen gaat uit zijn dak!...

Wherein accounts of various mass outbreaks of random creativity are given.

...Is what I found whilst trawling my way through Youtube memes.

Greetings Dissidents and Anarchists!

I will admit right now that my adventures began with Susan Boyle who is rapidly conquering Rick Astley in the Number one spot on Youtube with her wonderful rendition of I Dreamed a Dream. I really enjoyed the Susan Boyle clip but as she's EVERYWHERE now, (I mean, Perez Hilton has done a post on her for the gods' sake!) I shan't go over the same material again.

Besides, I found something much more intriguing in an endearingly creative anarchic way. And it had this title: Centraal Station Antwerpen gaat uit zijn dak! Which, to my mono-linguistic eyes meant either this was a European language, and judging by Antwerp was possibly Belgium, or that it had something to do with aliens with congestion attacking central Europe. (My apologies Belgium, But I am from the colonies, so do forgive my ignorance.)

The clip is shown above and is, wonderfully chaotic and totally (I think I really must use this word here, although I mean it in its correct context) random.

What isn't there to love about four hundred strangers who are totally indistinguishable from the rest of the commuters beginning a fully choreographed routine to 'The Sound of Music'! And how that must of lightened up the peoples' day.

So I started looking around. And then I found a similar occurrence in Liverpool U.K. of mass choreographed dancing. And then I found New York Grand Central Station had, not a spontaneous attack of dancing, but instead was confronted with no less than 207 regular commuters suddenly freezing in position simultaneously for five minutes! People stared in mute bewilderment as commuters around them suddenly froze on the train platform mid tying up their shoelace or talking on the phone. Observe:

But this isn't all! Improv Everywhere (responsible for the Grand Central freeze stunt) who are basically a performance art group, have held annual 'No Pants on the Subway Day' which involved 2500 commuters all claiming to have forgotten their pants when they left for work, while riding the subway. Along with numerous other wonderfully irreverent occurrences of mass mayhem. And they aren't alone.

It's a phenomenon called Flashmobbing, smartmobbing or even glamour-bombing! Using our new Social Networking media, we funny little naked apes can collect an enormous amount of people together via, relatively anonymous and hidden means and then get together and do something totally unusual in a public arena leaving the wider community reeling and totally perplexed as to what just happened.

And it is World Wide.

For example: This smartmob occurred in Paris.

Whereas this flash mob involving hundreds of people blowing bubbles occurred in Budapest.

Then there is the 100 strong 'Silent Disco' that occurred in Brighton Train Station that involved a crowd of people simultaneously dancing to silence.

Not to mention the spontaneous Pillow Fight Day That occurred in such cities as Monterrey, Beirut, Shanghai, Sydney, Philadelphia, Basel, Dublin and Copenhagen!

This is a phenomenal expression of humanity here, people! It's brilliant in its collaborative yet anarchic whimsy. But what is it an expression of?

Sociodynamics (according to Wikipedia, and how can they be wrong!) often refers to a point in a culture where it can influence outside influences amongst a crowd. For instance, one person looking up at the sky generally has no effect on other pedestrians on a busy street. Similarly two or three people staring at the sky, but five people staring at the sky has what is called 'Critical Mass' and it is a powerful force. Look again at the youtube clip in Antwerp, and check out the people who are not part of the performance joining in.

The Internet is providing us with the means to make critical masses wherever our whims desire. Globally if we need to. And, although this all appears extremely silly in comparison to the great moratoriums of previous decades, look again at the display in light of the term 'culture-jamming.'

Culture-jamming is a practise (but not apparently a movement) whereby large groups of people gather together using guerrilla communication (-Thanks again Wikipedia) to do everything from reawakening a sense of wonder and awe in other people's everyday surroundings, or pointing fun and mocking the herd like mentality of everyday life, to ridiculing consumerist ventures, or simply getting people to connect with others in random but fun and intense ways.

So although it sounds like a lot of fun with a great deal of whimsy and entertainment, at it's heart we are seeing a series of sophisticated and extremely well-orchestrated demonstrations against...well, against Western culture.

And there is a phenomenal occurrence here. Because these events are growing.

Anyone who may have looked at fractals may recall how when a sequence repeats itself while building upon itself, the structure becomes more complex leading to an inevitable weakness or series of weaknesses throughout the sequence.

I would argue that we are looking at the weaknesses in the structure of Western civilisation here.

And it is building in its critical mass. Take for instance the 'Anonymous' Web group. They are nameless, faceless, and basically run around the virtual world causing a bit of harmless fun.

But then some of them got it into their heads to protest Scientology.

Suddenly, in 93 cities around the world thousands of people turned up, many of them dressed in Guy Fawkes masks (alla V for Vendetta) blaring Rick Astley songs from their stereos outside of Scientology churches in protest!

This, from bored hackers having fun! We are looking at a new anarchic and artistic form of modern protest here. These people aren't protesting war, or capitalism or cruelty against animals. This is a new form of protest that is leveled at the heart of our modern society as we know it. Because its a war against the mind-numbing boredom of a nine to five life.

And they're growing in popularity. How fabulous. Do keep it up!


V for Vendetta, Flash mob, smart mob, glamour bomb, pillow fight, culture jamming, culture jam, protest, moratorium, anarchy, social criticism, public performance, performance art, group mentality, herd mentality, critical mass, Chaos theory, social dynamics, memes, youtube, Rick Astley, Guy Fawkes, Anonymous, Scientology, bubbles, dancing, mob mentality, Susan Boyle,

The New Face of Easter

Wherein a tale of pagan revelry and the triumph of meaning amidst a sea of pointless consumption is recounted.

The new face of Easter

Greetings all hedonists, decadents, and anarchists all!

During a previous post regarding the true meaning of Easter I regaled you all with irritations with our current Christian/popularist consumer culture and how it pains me as a pagan living in Terra Australis.

I was, as you may recall, dear reader, greatly frustrated due to the fact that I was given the option of either a) practising a Christian festival, b) practising a consumerist festival with pagan roots that was, alas, totally misaligned with our seasonal reality, or c) do nothing at all.

Well my previous policy on such occasions has been to sit very still and hope the behemoth fails to notice my presence before lumbering on and catching some other helpless prey in its cash guzzling fangs. In short, my wife and I usually pick option c).

Alas, while this is a fine strategy for a young, hip, twenty-something couple of the new millennium, for a couple with two children under the age of five, it is becoming increasingly obvious that such old strategies no longer will work. Why? Because of social pressures. Pressures at school, pressures with family. -PRESSURES!

I mentioned in a previous post how Easter and Christmas has invaded our home now. And indeed this is the case this year. Presents of eggs arrived in the post for the children. Cards came home in the shape of Easter eggs, and it became obvious to me how right Edmund Burke was when he [sort of] said: The only thing necessary for the triumph of default Christian /consumerist culture is for good pagans to do nothing.

It was becoming obvious that by not celebrating anything, our children would feel like they were missing out on something, and that they could in later years come to hate paganism for marginalising them so much. -Not that they didn't have more festivals than most children, but they're not the same festivals that the other children would observe, and let us not under-estimate the drive in children to be "normal".

So we made up a festival.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't just pull a fake festival out of our heathen-arses. But neither were the methods of celebrating related word for word in the ancient almanacs and tomes of folk-lore.

There is a lot of concern and pressure in the pagan world in regards to being traditional. Much is made in regards to how legitimately one practises their religious observances etc. I think its all a bit of cultural cringe response to some of the less than salubrious origins of paganism in the 20th century. But it has resulted in a sense of cultural puritanism in later years. And as a result, people can become a bogged down in their ways. And trust me, there is nothing more silly than celebrating Midsummer in the middle of winter. Watching a bunch of people rugged up to the eye-balls while consuming ice-cold lemonades and ice-creams is enough to make anyone realise that for an earth-worshipping religion to survive it must adapt to meet new challenges.

A lot has been said on other blogs about balancing a sense of traditionalism with organic evolution to meet new environmental needs especially in regards to immigrating to a new land. Hinhan's Lodge is one recent example. But I would add to that, in order to be successful, a religion not only needs to adapt in order to be cohesive with the environment of it's practitioners, but the needs of the practitioners as well.

And we practitioners had a need. And that need was a public holiday where hundreds of children were stuffing their faces with chocolate and having fun with a rabbit that doesn't exist while our children were not. And I don't know about you, but I could NOT stand there and allow my religion to be negatively compared to Christianity! We needed to have a pagan equivalent which was on par with what other children had, if not better.

Enter the Mabsant. A regional party or festivity practised in Wales for varying reasons, usually celebrating a village patron saint or something which became so licentious and bawdy that they were killed off by the church by the 1850's. Of course, as we practise a form of Welsh pagan-reconstruction this was perfect for our needs, especially considering that loads of 'saints' in the Brythonic nations are not true canonical saints and were simply Christian overlays to whatever local dwelling land-spirit/deity was revered there previously. It's like seeing Hercules wearing a Jesus disguise. So we had a name for what we were going to practise. Autumn Mabsant.

So my wife and I began with looking at what was important with Easter from our own childhoods. And this is what we came up with:

Chocolate
Egg hunt

Ummm.... nope that was it. That was all we could remember of being great about Easter in our childhoods, vast amounts of chocolate and finding it hidden around the yard.

So no matter what we found in the folklore books, we needed to include chocolate and a hunt. Thanks to the Internet we found acorn shaped chocolate molds. So there was our autumnal equivalent to Easter eggs.

But we couldn't have a party based around consuming chocolate. Because that would be totally gross and superficial. Wouldn't it?...

Well, I think it would be gross and superficial, so we kept hunting. And once again, the Internet came to our rescue.

I don't know if anyone else remembers what it was like being pagan twenty years ago, or even being pagan five years ago. But the Internet has been fabulous for paganism in regards to this one thing if nothing else:

The distribution and availability of knowledge and the public forum in order to critique or review critiques of said knowledge.

Does anyone else remember Douglas Monroe and his ubiquitous The 21 Lessons of Merlin? His ghastly re-interpretation of Iolo Morganwg material for a neo-pagan market could masquerade as 'legitimate Druidry' for years in the 1990's. But in today's cyber-networked world such a text would last for less than five minutes before a welsh speaker a folklorist and a farmer all proclaimed it as a load of American tosh that had no resemblance to Druidry in Britain, neo druidry or otherwise. And in less than ten minutes you would have a bevy of under-age boys making some very unflattering comments regarding the author's legal standing in regards to certain age of consent laws and the whole affair would be a debacle quicker than you could say 'New Mexico'.

Similarly, on the other side of the coin, one would have to travel for hours to get to an interstate library in order to find an out-of-date book of folklore that was pre-Gardner and pre-neo-paganism. And, because it is Welsh folklore that we're concerned with, it would be phenomenally difficult to find such books actually written in English. (alas we denizens of Terra Australis are revoltingly mono-lingual. I think it has to do with the tyranny of distance from, well....from the rest of the ENTIRE world!) And then once you had such a book, you would either be forced to write down as many notes as you could, or photocopy the whole book at much expense,as borrowing it and taking it over state lines only having to return it would be a logistical nightmare.

But in today's world, a hoax is defrauded in a blink of an eye, and an old genuine text of folklore and customs is translated and published into an e-text and distributed across the world in a similar time. How fabulous!

And so my wife and I did indeed turn to this fabulous new tool and consult the old sources regarding to Autumn festivals. And there we found Michaelmas. Now Michaelmas is basically a Christian feast day. But it appeared that the majority of the festival was less about the Saint and more about the celebration of Autumn. Great! So without further ado, we took their Christian festival, and in the spirit of the great millennium of Christian aggressive marketing tactics, we grafted our pagan festival over the top! In Wales it was the custom to eat roast Goose. Alas, no Geese for sale down here in Lamb Beef Pork or Fish land, but we did find a duck tucked in the back of a refrigerator in the supermarket.

And then we found it! What was to become the new face of Easter. -Sorry, Autumn Mabsant. It was an account of how an effigy was burnt of a pirate who terrorized the coast land for some years. Now, this effigy was burnt in Spring. And it's deeper meaning was unclear. But usually with such things as these, there tends to be a deeper pagan meaning. So we hunted around. Alas, nothing. But we did find another effigy burning festival held at Autumn a couple of counties over called the 'Burning of the Bartle'. Who is apparently another outlaw who's death is re-enacted with much frivolity.

But of course, who can forget our most famous burning outlaw effigy: Guy Fawkes, burnt on November the 5th.

"Remember, Remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason, the gunpowder treason should be forgot."

What was interesting is that this effigy, that is called a Bartle in some parts is made up of the husks and finished scraps of the old harvest.

Which was perfect! For we had recently had a Harvest festival and now had many bushels of wheat and oat husks. So we made an effigy. He was filled with autumn leaves and pine needles and husks and rinds. And we called him Bartle and to us he was the spirit of the old year that was coming to an end. (Because All Hallows is the beginning of the New Year and in Terra Australis that happens in May) We had a feast of duck and Bartle sat at the table and received his own morsel. And then in an act of purification and libation to the spirits of the land we sent him back into the otherworlds with his food by setting him on fire whilst we drank cider and enjoyed the blaze.

Now, was it traditional? No. It was however stitched together from a variety of traditional sources. But we make no attempt to claim that it was an ancient rite of much antiquity.

Was it meaningful? Infinitely so, in fact I found it meshed very well with our current festivals very nicely and brought new complimentary elements to them.

Did it address a need? Absolutely the children had a blast! And they didn't even give Easter a second thought. And (when they are older) and the other children ask: "Did you get any Easter eggs?", they can say "No but we had a bonfire and chocolate acorns and we burnt a scarecrow who grew up from our harvest." Yes its unusual, but it's gotta be a lot more fun than what the others are doing!)

And most importantly: Was it enjoyable? Hell Yeah! In a day we had constructed and performed a fabulous little seasonal observance. And who doesn't like burning life-sized effigies!

So next Easter, if you're tired of the same old mis-matched practises, and you're from Terra Australis, try having an Autumn party and invite Bartle round to be your guest of honour! He may regret it, but you most certainly wont!
Bartle, Easter, paganism, pagan parenting, paganism in Australia, eclecticism, Reconstructionism, Celtic Reconstruction, Traditional paganism, Traditional craft, religion, effigies, outlaw, Guy Fawkes, November 5th, V for Vendetta, chocolate, alternative Easter practises, Autumn, autumn festivals, festivals, burning man, sacrificial deities, spirit of the harvest, John Barleycorn, wheat harvest, husks, Edmund Burke, "For evil to triumph, good men must do nothing", easter eggs, consumerism, social criticism, burning effigies, sacrificial deity, new years eve

An Absinthe Toast!

Wherein the virtues of a dubiously engaging individual are discussed at length.

Greetings all connoisseurs of our richly decentralized new-millennium culture!

Those who may have viewed an earlier post of mine would have had the delight of experiencing 'The Gallery of Public Hooting', perhaps even for the first time. Congratulations to those of you! What a delight that must have been. I know that for me, viewing mass public displays of condemnation is an enjoyable, if not somewhat arousing experience, so I do hope that it inspired a similar sensation with you as well. But it led me to consider that perhaps one ought not introduce 'the stick' as it were, without a corresponding 'carrot.'

May I introduce to you all: THE CARROT!

And I call our friend, this carrot: 'The Gallery of Absinthe Toasts for the Dubiously Gifted Personages Who Inspire Awe for Whatever Reason.' Or in short: 'The Gallery of Absinthe Toasts.' ...Indeed, I think you will never hear the earlier moniker stated ever again.

And I even have a new personage who must be brought to everyone's attention and praised with a toast of Absinthe, for peculiarities in his personality. His name is John Safran.

John Safran would not be know to most of you, as he is a minor celebrity in the colonies, deep in Terra Australis. But I like to think of him as 'The Thinking Man's Jackass.' And by Jackass I refer to that American team of people who became famous by doing phenomenally stupid and painful things to themselves in the spirit of mindless good humour. And it worked. They are now internationally successful and rich. -Meanwhile, we good citizens who did not have the presence of mind to have frozen oranges lobbed into our orifices at 100km's per hour for the public's amusement are still slogging it out at the grindstone and aching out a pitiful existence. But I digress!

John Safran, who is a sometimes Television presenter for ABC and SBS and a sometimes radio personality for Triple J in Terra Australis also does ridiculously painful and horrific things to himself. But they are hardly mindless or stupid. Indeed, he is motivated by one of the most profound aspects of humanity in general, that being Religion. John Safran is obsessed with religion. All religion. In fact, his radio partner, Father Bob Maguire claims that "For him [John Safran], religion is the heart of the cosmos..."But his curiosity regarding religion is very much coloured by his Australian sense of irreverent humour. With some truly stunning results.

In 1997 John Safran first came to the Australian public's attention by appearing as a contestant in a documentary making world travelling game show thing called Race Around the World. And in it, he came last due to a disqualification from filming a movie which road-tested confession booths in Rio De Janeiro. -Which unfortunately is actually illegal to put to air on Australian TV. From that point on John Safran later filmed a fabulous series called John Safran vs God, which explores religions from all around the world, with both an irreverent but intently curious manner.

And he is awe-inspiring in his audacity.

In it he explores Zoroastrianism, Hinduism, Freemasonry, Asatru, Judaism, and Catholicism. But it is his stunts that match Jackass for their 'oh my god' factor, but with a whole new element of social satire and commentary that Jackass is gloriously and gratuitously devoid of.

For example:

He attends a voodoo ritual where a goat is sacrificed in Haiti.
He gets a fatwa put on fellow TV presenter Rove McManus by extremist Muslim Clerics in London.
He lifts a curse on the Australian Socceroos with the help of a Malawian Witch-doctor.
He is beaten by a Zen Buddhist monk.
He goes Atheist door-knocking in Salt-Lake City Utah.

But the two stunts that are truly frightening are:

He is interviewed by the Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan and asks if he can join even though he's Jewish because, in his words, 'he's whiter than Hitler'.
He is exorcised by fundamentalist Christian and Evangelist Bob Larson.

It is fair to say that he is the world's expert in world religious experiences.

And on Good Friday this year, he indeed went to a new extreme in order to film a story and/or make a gag. He got himself crucified in the Philippines. Two nails were driven into his pale Melbournite Jewish palms in order to 'aid his mother who is dying of cancer.' (she actually died from a heart attack six years ago.)

So to John Safran, extremist religious dabbler, crucifixion survivor, Jewish aspirant of the Ku Klux Klan and all round shit-stirrer, we raise a flaming glass of Absinthe to your good-health and your dubious claim of infamy!

John Safran, Race Around the World, Road Testing Confessionals, Voodoo, KKK, Ku Klux Klan, Asatru, Buddhism, Christianity, Fundamentalists, Fundamental Christianity, Crucifixion, Hindu, Triple J, ABC, SBS, John Safran vs God, Race Relations, Absinthe, Absinthe toasts, provocateurs, Mormons, exorcism, Bob Larson, Fatwa, Islam, Extremists, Muslims, Witch-doctors, occultism, The Philipines, Good Friday, Easter, deception

One Mad March Hare!

Wherein the origins of Easter are discussed and the schizoid mentality of Terra Australis is revealed.

I hate Easter.

I think I hate it more than I hate Christmas.

I'm not a fun hater. Really I am not. I enjoy festivals. But Easter and Christmas remind me too much of everything I hate about popular modern Australian culture.

Make no mistake, Terra Australis is a godless nation. It's true, read our Census statistics, one third of our nation are atheists! And only 64% are actually Christian. And of course, we have in our constitution no mention of a state religion. And yet, we have not one but two public holidays devoted to "Christian" holidays. Now, I would never advocate the loss of a public holiday, (that would be unaustralian) but indeed, why are we meting public holidays for two thirds of our nations religious personages but not looking at other religious days as well.

For instance, why are we not celebrating Eid al-Fitr, or likewise why not Hanukkah? We are a nation that, as much as our older generations don't like to admit it, resides in the Asian-pacific region, so why not celebrate Vesak or Ulambana like the Buddhists do, or Holi and Diwali like Hindu's do? Or, (god's forbid), how about we actually ask our indigenous people if they have any local special times and when they are and can we do something to help honour the land? But no, we have two holidays set aside for the birth and death of Christ, who is worshipped and believed in by only two thirds of the state.

So my question is, what exactly is the other third of Terra Australis doing at this time?

Now, displays of public drunkenness on a public holiday are a national pastime, but I see a lot more than two thirds of the nation buying into the whole 'Easter hype.' And let's not even begin to discuss how many people buy into the whole 'Christmas hype.' You see, I think celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is a fine way to spend a long weekend. Fabulous....if you're Christian.

But I am not Christian. I'm of the race that sings under torture. I am a heathen, a pagan, I worship the old gods if you will. And I am beginning to get a little bit narky at how difficult my life is because of it.

The first thing is the weird looks, like I must be a simpleton because of my religion. "Oh my, he actually believes in pagan gods." Well excuse me for believing that my ancestors happened to have the right idea for many thousands of years before some foreign dude in Jerusalem happens to die spectacularly. Similarly I am annoyed that no one says "Oh my god they actually believe that Christ was a real person who died and was resurrected."

The second thing is that every time you celebrate a Christian festival you adhere to pagan customs. -badly. Don't believe me? Then you might want to stop munching on eggs for Easter and expunge the rabbit from your cultural consciousness. Similarly you want to avoid using a Christmas tree or having a yule log for Christmas. But let's stick to Easter.

For you see Easter was, in essence a religious PAGAN festival devoted to celebrating Eostre, the Saxon mother goddess of fertility. And guess what, she is associated with Hares. But there are a whole host of European and Middle Eastern celebrations at this time of year devoted to varying fertility goddesses. And an egg is (surely you're seeing the pattern here already) a symbol of fertility. So as you can see Easter is a pagan festival. But why is Christ's death celebrated on this time? Well it's certainly not because he died on this date. After all, Easter changes depending on when the first full moon after the equinox is (nothing pagan with that!). Well, as some of you know, Christianity spent over a thousand years in a prolonged marketing campaign. And it was brutal.

If a pagan population had a popular holiday, chances are a Christian holiday would be grafted over the top. Christmas (Yule) for instance is now celebrated as the birth of Christ, despite the nativity story taking place at a time of the year when the shepherds are sleeping in the fields watching their flocks (so spring or summer). But Christ is (according to Christians) a light that illuminates the darkness, and what better time to celebrate the birth of such a figure than in the darkest time of year and look, see how it fits perfectly with all your pagan customs. Oh wow! What a coincidence, so you can stop leaving out your apples to Slepnir and Odin. Let me introduce you to Saint Nicholas...

But the Easter graft is a lot more aggressive. It doesn't coincide well at all with the pagan holiday at all. Fluffy hares, birds, bees, flowers, eggs, fertility, life, BLOODY DYING MAN ON A CROSS! -Sort of brings the tone of the holiday down a little doesn't it? And that's another reason I think I hate Easter more. Because that response is exactly what was hoped for by the first Christians. By celebrating something so sombre at a time of such frivolity, they hoped to a) bring the tone of the holiday down, and b) make the Christians feel superior in their sombre piety. It's shock tactics on a grand scale. And it's not pretty.

None the less, if I were Christian I would be very glad to be going to mass, and performing other Easter customs. But I wouldn't be doing the pagan customs, because I wouldn't be pagan...oh, dear. It seems that most Christians are a little oblivious to the inherent hypocrisy of their holiday. Oh dear. But then, who thought the Christians could be guilty of hypocrisy?

But luckily for me, I am not a Christian, I'm a pagan. So I'll just celebrate the fun pagan part of the festival. But I have one more problem. You see, as I mentioned above. I live in Terra Australis. That means I would need to travel several thousand miles to celebrate the spring festivals during spring. We are in the grip of Autumn. It's harvest time. ...And it's getting cold. Likewise, I gasp in unadulterated bewilderment when I see people with spray on snow adorning their windows and frosty the snow men hanging from fake evergreen pines in thirty-forty plus degree heat! (That's Celsius mark you).

And this brings me to my current frustrations. As a parent of two little boys, I find myself fighting an enormous tide of social pressure which is insidious. Christmas invades my home. Easter cards come home from school. We do what we can to rename Christmas 'Midsummer', but it is a constant and unending battle. And the day Christmas is over, I see the eggs getting displayed for Easter!

As a teacher I tried to explain the origins of Easter and Christmas to my class of thirteen year olds. And I was met with blank stares. Our conversation went something like this:

"So you don't celebrate Christmas?"
"No. No I don't."
"But wont your kids miss out?"
"No. No they wont."
"But they wont get presents from Santa Clause?"
"No. No they wont."
"So they'll miss out?"
"No, they will get special presents from Arawn and the Ancestors at Yule, in winter. And unlike Santa Clause, at no point will we need to explain that Arawn is not real."
"But they won't get presents from Santa?"
"That's right."
"So they'll miss out?"
"You know, my kids get four times the festivals and special days than you get."
"But they don't get Christmas?..."
(This conversation went on like this for an extremely long time.)

But what really concerns me is the one third of Terra Australis who do not prescribe to the Christian viewpoint, who nonetheless celebrate pagan customs for the wrong time of the year. There is just something inherently unearthy and unaccepting of the land beneath our feet about a culture that refuses to acknowledge the seasonal changes and conditions in its national holidays. We are constantly chest-slapping and declaring that we are a 'land of eternal Summer', and yet here we are pretending its Midwinter year in year out, roasting hams in forty degree heat. Well excuse me if I refuse to play make-believe, excuse me if I insist on a holiday that has meaning to me both spiritually and physically. And excuse me if I refuse to accept the role of marginalised nutter.

Because I'm not the one who is oblivious to the customs I perform.

Because I'm not the one who is in denial about our weather outside.




Easter, Christmas, Yule, Easter, Hares, Fertility, Rabbits, Easter Bunny, Bunnies, Easter Bunnies, Eggs, The origins of Easter, The Origins of Yule, The Pagan origins of Easter, Pagan holidays, Chocolate eggs, Midsummer, Midwinter, Summer Solstice, Vernal Equinox, Autumn Equinox, social criticism, pagan parenting, social pressure, anti-christian, christian, social ostracism, Australian holidays, Australian religion, Hanukkah, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Indigenous, festivals, March Hare