Greetings oh fellow doyennes of all things unwholesome!
Anyone who knows me would also know that I am a Youtube consuming maniac. I love it. It is completely anarchic and totally group-minded. As a result the worn paths of entertainment that exist in other mediums like TV etc, tend to be regularly discarded here.
Imagine my horror then, dear reader, when I laid eyes upon a fast rising Youtube clip which originated not only from TV (which is excusable) but from TV from Terra Australis (
Much less excusable) featuring news footage (oh the gods what an abomination!) from our most tabloid and vacuous pile of offal reporting to be a serious news program: 'A Current Affair'! (obviously some poor soul watched this show and felt the only way to survive the 'infection' was to make a copy and show it to as many people as was possible before Tracy Grimshaw clawed her way out of the TV set a week later and bludgeoned them over the head with diet journals and cellulite creams.)Now, just so people are aware of the drama allow me to explain from the beginning. This whole sordid affair unfolded first on Australian TV, then Youtube, -followed by the international stage. It is an event which took place in Kings Cross. Now, Kings Cross is a somewhat gloriously seedy red-light district in Sydney. There are strip joints with public hawkers, and shooting galleries for junkies (I don't believe they have hawkers) there are the odd cross dressing chaps staggering about on too much Stolichnaya and a suspicious looking dude selling sausage on a bun to the drunk and disorderly at three in the morning. So it should be no surprise to anyone that as it so happened a man was shot. What may be unusual to people around the world is that, when a man was shot, it was considered so unusual that it got reported in the news. Because, at the end of the day, there's just not that much to report on in Australia.
Anyway, red light district, seediness, man gets shot, and reporters move in on the scene.
Enter the now infamous Clare Werbeloff, now forever known as 'The Bogan of Kings Cross' or 'Chk-chk-Boom!-Girl' who gave this fabulous statement to our 'investigative journalists'.
Of course, something that hopelessly clueless after a such a vicious assault was bound to become an instant internet meme. And of course, by three days later it sprang up on my Youtube account as the most popular Youtube clip short of that Rick-roll clip of 'Susan Boyle has Swine flu'. Now things would have very quickly become parodied and disappeared faster than you could say 'Cory Worthington' but then of course the truth was outed.
Clare Werberloff actually knew nothing of the shooting at all, but simply saw a video camera and started acting up for it. Everything stated, -from the accents to the story involving our fine ethnic population, to the fabulous use of onomatopoeia at the end was entirely fabricated for some shits and giggles. -Which of course allowed our stunning bastion of investigative Journalism 'A Current Affair' and other 'fine' newspapers and news shows to demonise her and declare her a mischief hunting drama seeking trouble maker.
Sydney Morning Herald even ran with this headline:
And of course accusations of Clare misleading our fabulous 'journalists' rose to a stunning crescendo with this inquisitive piece by the terrier that is Ben Fordham.
Notice here how he tries to make her feel bad, how he attempts to make the media into a martyred victim and how effortlessly she shrugs all his efforts off.
Which led me to consider that the whole story has been grossly misrepresented. So please enjoy as I present to you now the Kings Cross Shooting Incident as I would report it.
Hopeless Attention Seeker Brushes Aside all Decency to get Horse Face on TV And Dupes Australia's News Industry in the Process
Earlier today a man was shot. But forget about him as apparently he doesn't matter and indeed we wont hear anything about him, the motives behind the attack on him, or his attacker ever again.
In the aftermath of the attack in Kings Cross however, Channel Nine 'investigative reporters' unwittingly revealed themselves to be incompetent sound-byte munching beasts who were incapable of any actual investigating.
The person behind such a dramatic unveiling was one hopelessly brainless attention-starved 19 year old who was a little under the influence of alcohol and obviously feeling a little duped by Big Brother's unexpected axing. Obviously the Channel Nine investigative journalists were no match to her superior abilities of persuasion and reason and were led totally astray by her eloquent manner and smooth approach.
Clare Werbeloff, (19 year old attention seeker) having spotted a camera proceeded to run for it and give a completely fabricated account that was both provocative and compelling to the channel nine reporters who felt that it was an appropriate statement to air on prime time TV after the possibly lethal shooting of a man on a street. Having given her statement, the reporters then spent the rest of their evening completely failing to confirm said drunken 19 year old brainless attention seeker's tale, as they had, after all, just been given a fabulous account of the event and, well, do we really need two versions of the same story?
Ben Fordham, (right, looking like someone having a colonoscopy, here with Andrew Byrne) tabloid hack and serial obstructer of justice, very quickly leaped to the defense of his pay-packet fillers by showing his complete inability to outwit or outclass a bogan ten years younger than himself on national television. Clare Werbeloff has since become an international icon and internet meme at the Channel Nine's expense. Clare has also apologised for unwittingly managing to make an entire news industry look totally gullible and credulous.
Channel Nine however are yet to be forthcoming with an apology for their poor journalism and recent efforts in bringing down the reputation of Australian News to an even greater low than its current laughable level.
Clare, like all sad and degraded C grade minor celebrities is considering stretching her fifteen minutes of fame a little longer by getting her tits out for Ralph magazine.
Meanwhile the shooting victim remains somewhere doing something (we hope) and is otherwise no longer considered news-worthy. It is unknown as to whether or not he has agreed to get his tits out for Ralph magazine.
