Mormons Vampires and Suicides: Public Hooting and An Absinthe Toast in One Post!

Wherein quality control regarding the Gothic Horror genre is maintained and one man's anger at another man's special feeling of unique pain is celebrated.

Greetings and salutations oh partakers of fine things.

I would like to begin my post with a bout of public hooting. I have long been in love with the Gothic horror genre and indeed most people's attempts at revivifying it. Indeed, I've read everything from The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole, through to How to get a Head in New York by Poppy Z Brite and The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. I have seen cats murdered with Edgar Allen Poe, turned the screw with Henry James, refrained from drinking wine with Bram Stoker, hidden in box 5 with Gaston Leroux, drunk strange potions with Robert Louis Stevenson, and flirted with an abomination in the eyes of the lord with Mary Shelley.

So please believe me as somewhat of a connoisseur, when I say that the recent offering by Stephanie Meyers is the worst case of fetid arse-water ever to hit the book stands. I think this recent example of cultural hysteria surrounding Ms Meyer's literary effluent and consequent movies is a new low in Western Culture and is possibly worse than the similar hysteria surrounding Dan Brown's god-awful The Da Vinci Code.

This recent eruption of bile and scorn has come as a result of watching one of the fastest rising YouTube clips which shows the recent Twilight movie trailer. Normally I would show said YouTube clip, but in this case, I'd rather not sully my page. So here instead is another YouTube clip advising why people should avoid such offal.

Here's a tip Stephanie, Gothic Horror, is meant to be horrible. Something in the book actually has to be monstrous, and so far, all I've seen that's monstrous is the god awful writing. There are holes in the plot so large and gaping, I could push a small displaced Chinese village through them. -There must be, in a horror novel, something which feels unwholesome in the story, whether it be the monstrous quality of the vampire, the hubris and consequences unravelling in Frankenstein or the bricking up of a live man into a wall in Poe, there has to be something that would cause people a sense of dread and alarm.

Instead Stephanie Meyers has taken all the tropes of the Gothic horror genre and sucked out all of the marrow and guts and presented the world with a bland middle-class teen-romance with impotent monsters and an unfeasible story line. Now this would be fine if this was a simple marketing exercise aimed at fourteen year old tweenies who are yet to discover things of true worth and value. But adults, REAL adults are actually just as enthralled by this pile of disney-esque pretend-frights as their pubescent counterparts. Don't believe me? Not only is the Twilight: New Moon trailer fast rising on Youtube, but so are the fan response videos, which are, I kid you not, videos of sad lonely people, alas, primarily female, sitting down in front of the television squealing like groupies at a Beatle's concert as MTV shows the trailer.

And then it occurred to me as to why Stephanie Meyers has managed to write such dreadful, unimaginably mediocre and lifeless tosh. And it's because Stephanie Meyers is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Oh the gods have mercy! That means that whenever someone buys any of her fecal matter dressed up as a novel, whenever anyone buys a ticket to see the tween porn movies they are funding Stephanie Meyer who, as a Mormon must give 10% of her earnings to the Mormon church. But of course, it stood to reason, all this time it was obvious. Who else but a Mormon could make something as sexy as vampires into the fucking Brady Bunch?

Standard issue Mormon Underwear

Please, people there are so many reasons why everyone should scoff and laugh at anyone who claims to like Twilight. It's Mills and Boon dressed up as horror. And its aimed at teenagers, who don't know any better. Mock these people! Let them know of their transgressions and then hoot them for their inability to discern between a good book and a bad one! Or better yet, hunt down Stephanie Meyer and hoot her, wave a fan at her and hoot her loudly.

In the meantime if you want to watch something with real vampires: Try Dusk Till Dawn, The Lost Boys, The Hunger, A French Vampire in New York, Interview with the Vampire, and of course, Bram Stokers Dracula, not to mention the countless Hammer Horror films, and the classic Nosferatu silent film. Of course, if you like your vampires on the small screen then please instead divert your eyes towards the True Blood series or possibly Being Human on the BBC.

On the positive side, I would like to raise an absinthe glass to this man.

His name is Lai Jiansheng and he is a retired soldier living in Guangzhou, China. And he is being toasted today for pushing a man to his possible doom. And look at the contented smile on his face!

Chen Fuchao was feeling somewhat down on his luck being in the equivalent of $293,ooo.oo US in debt. And so decided to voice his woes buy committing suicide. No sorry, not 'committing', because that's what effective people do, but attempting to commit suicide. Chen Fuchao climbed the Haizhu Bridge and threatened to jump off in a spectacularly annoying cry for help that lasted for over four hours, causing complete traffic chaos. Apparently this sort of thing happens quite a lot in Guangzhou with twelve cases of of suicide threats on the Haizhu bridge in only two months. Well our hero of the moment Lai Jiansheng was mad as hell, and he wasn't going to take it any more.

The news reports claim that Chen Fuchao was given a 'helping hand' by Lai Jiansheng. But that simply doesn't cover the effort and determination this wonderful man possessed in making his statement.

Lai Jiansheng, having offered already to assist the police but having been rejected, then broke through the police barricade before climbing the bridge himself! Having climbed the bridge with no safety harness or net, Lai then proceeded to edge towards the distraught Chen and pretended to comfort him before grappling with him on a tiny metal scaffold high in the air! Chen simply was no match for Lai's ex-military training. Lai effectively showed the distraught young failed business man how to carry through with something once its begun. Chen, having attempted to grab Lai and take him down with him, then toppled many metres before collapsing into a partially blown up mattress suffering spinal injuries and injuries to his elbow.

Lai, having saluted the crowd then made this phenomenal statement:

"I pushed him off because jumpers... are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests."

Lai, I don't know if you're in prison or receiving a medal for your actions, but I can say, that for your determination and fearlessness in dispatching with an undesirable menace to society, and for your complete lack of remorse at having almost killed someone because they were an annoyance, for your community spirit and dedication to 'public interests' we salute you with an absinthe toast!